It's almost two a.m. and I'm awake again. I'm reminded of Jacob and when he was traveling back toward Esau with his family and all his possessions. Jacob had a knot in his stomach. God told Jacob that He would be with him the entire way, He would keep Him, but still Jacob did not feel safe.
Yesterday, I met with a friend in my office and traveled down memory lane. We are working on a project together and as we talked, I realized that the more I traveled back towards the pain in my memory banks, the more I wanted to run for safety, my kind of safety. I was afraid. We presented each other with the question: "What were the challenges in the relationship with each other, that we've never talked about?" I knew what those challenges were, but I had not voiced them, and in my heart it felt like giving them a voice was a huge risk. But, I stepped out and put words to the challenges, she listened. Then, I asked her what her challenges had been and she did the exact same thing.
We both listened, we both said that we were sorry, we both forgave. It wasn't as scary as I had anticipated, yet at the same time, I still had a knot. I still had tears that wouldn't stop. I still seemed to be responding as if it was terrifying! I was still feeling like Jacob, unable to believe that God was with me, there to be my Safety and my Refuge.
I had the knot along with a headache for the rest of the day. In fact, my stomach still does not feel like it's normal self. I mulled over our project for several hours after I got home and did some writing about it, still the knot. I prayed, I thought, I sent my friend a text. Still the knot. And now, it's just after two a.m. the knot in my stomach is alive and well, I'm thinking still of Jacob and his wrestle with God. His refusal to let go until he was blessed and his desperate need to just hang on and be with God. I am just going to hang on too. When he asks me to step out on the ledge and give the challenge a voice, I will step. When He asks me to walk through the fear, and into relationship, then I will go. It's not easy for me, because it feels like I'm heading towards my Esau!
Jesus, there's a knot in my stomach. I do know that you keep Your promises, I know that You keep me. Now, as I wrestle with my challenges, Say That Again to me!
Yesterday, I met with a friend in my office and traveled down memory lane. We are working on a project together and as we talked, I realized that the more I traveled back towards the pain in my memory banks, the more I wanted to run for safety, my kind of safety. I was afraid. We presented each other with the question: "What were the challenges in the relationship with each other, that we've never talked about?" I knew what those challenges were, but I had not voiced them, and in my heart it felt like giving them a voice was a huge risk. But, I stepped out and put words to the challenges, she listened. Then, I asked her what her challenges had been and she did the exact same thing.
We both listened, we both said that we were sorry, we both forgave. It wasn't as scary as I had anticipated, yet at the same time, I still had a knot. I still had tears that wouldn't stop. I still seemed to be responding as if it was terrifying! I was still feeling like Jacob, unable to believe that God was with me, there to be my Safety and my Refuge.
I had the knot along with a headache for the rest of the day. In fact, my stomach still does not feel like it's normal self. I mulled over our project for several hours after I got home and did some writing about it, still the knot. I prayed, I thought, I sent my friend a text. Still the knot. And now, it's just after two a.m. the knot in my stomach is alive and well, I'm thinking still of Jacob and his wrestle with God. His refusal to let go until he was blessed and his desperate need to just hang on and be with God. I am just going to hang on too. When he asks me to step out on the ledge and give the challenge a voice, I will step. When He asks me to walk through the fear, and into relationship, then I will go. It's not easy for me, because it feels like I'm heading towards my Esau!
Jesus, there's a knot in my stomach. I do know that you keep Your promises, I know that You keep me. Now, as I wrestle with my challenges, Say That Again to me!
Praying you feel peace again soon. Sometimes I feel like a kitten, like God has to carry my limp self along by the scruff of the neck because I'm helpless to rescue myself. Like one of those people you see dangling from the end of a rescue helicopter being lifted above the waves of a flood. That's probably always the case, I'm just not always aware of it. How does it go? God is my refuge and strength, my very real help in time of trouble? You know the one I mean. God will not let go of you Bethany. He will never fail or forsake you. I made one good choice today, and I realize that's all life is, a series of one choice at a time. Maybe I'll make two good ones tomorrow. Praying God relieves your anxiety as you keep stepping forward, one step at a time, with your project.
ReplyDeleteThank you, He always does, always has! Thank you for sharing and may God be with you as you continue along in the choices of your day. Blessings.
DeleteWow that was strange. I just wrote an very long comment but after I clicked submit
ReplyDeletemy comment didn't show up. Grrrr... well I'm not writing all that over again.
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