The Unspeakable

Right now at this very moment it feels like I have led an unspeakable life. As I took this before the Throne of God this morning and He asked me if I was willing to speak about my unspeakable life, I had to say "no."  There is so much I have spoken, right? Do I have to be willing to speak more? And, if it's "unspeakable" why should I speak it? And, what will happen if I do?  These are the questions I have presented to God, I'm waiting for an answer. I'm not saying that God has to answer me, I mean, He is God, and  basically, He has Spoken! He has said to me "Bethany, I want you to speak!" And, I have been doing exactly that, I just didn't realize at the time that speaking might include the unspeakable.
So, here am I again, at a fork in the road of life. And, I have this horrible gut feeling that there are several forks down this road, many more unspeakable's that I will not be happy about. The kind that I have to learn to wrap my brain around and accept in an unacceptable kind of way. And, when I speak about the unspeakable, I will have to learn to do it in such a way that it is graceful and gentle, yet sadly that is not even possible.
God has led me on a long road for a reason, and that reason I am sure of. It is to help other women, and to speak into their hearts. He has blessed me with a heart of compassion and love, if I am able to speak the unspeakable, to make it so that others see that I too have survived and praise Jesus, so can they.
But, right now, I'm not going to, because the reality is I'm feeling edgy and afraid of the unspeakable. Right now, I just want to be alone, in my house with my family and my dog. It's good here. God and I will have some long talks here.
Jesus, I know who you are and I know you walk beside me. I know this is a journey you are asking me to travel, so I will go. I don't know how graceful I will go, but I will go. Jesus, I need You to Say That Again to me, You will walk beside me!