I have discovered that while working on relationships this past year I am pretty slow to build trust, especially after I feel like trust has been broken. I take such small steps, and then I kick myself for not leaping and being more of a risk taker. If only I could just heal my heart right away, and make everything all better. But it never works that way. I take a few steps forward, then a couple steps back. As I have prayed everyday for God to continue to reveal His truth to me and to heal wounds in my heart and in relationships, He has shown me the areas that are most hurtful, and He challenges me to have a voice in bringing up that pain in my relationships. That requires an element of trust.
I had lunch with a friend yesterday and we have been working so hard on our friendship, we both admit that it has been challenging and that trust has been difficult and that we have felt wounded. We also both know that Jesus wants us to stay in relationship and learn to love and trust. I want Jesus to just make me trust, but He doesn't seem to work that way, He instead makes me work for it. I have to go through the movements of figuring out why I'm not trusting first and what will help me trust better and then I have to voice it. Oh, how it challenges me with this friend because I get afraid that she will not stick to her end of the deal! It's silly, I know. My brain tells me it's silly, but my heart thinks otherwise, and so I have to plead with God to fight for me and give me a new way to cope, His way. Not my old ways.
He wants me to risk for love and friendship, I want to run. I want the comfort of my safe friends, He wants me to risk for others. I want the comfort of acceptance, He wants me to step out and walk like He does. Sometimes, I want to just be quiet and wait for it to feel safe, He wants me to speak for Him, take the risk, obey Him now.
Trust, trust, trust, this is what He is saying to me and I am stepping forward today. No, it is not easy for me at all. I'm crying about it actually, asking my friends to help me in many ways----HELP!!! I need help! I will keep stepping though because My Jesus has told me to, and I will obey.
Say That Again, Jesus, you have asked me to trust You, and to move forward in relationship to a deeper level and to trust. Okay.
I had lunch with a friend yesterday and we have been working so hard on our friendship, we both admit that it has been challenging and that trust has been difficult and that we have felt wounded. We also both know that Jesus wants us to stay in relationship and learn to love and trust. I want Jesus to just make me trust, but He doesn't seem to work that way, He instead makes me work for it. I have to go through the movements of figuring out why I'm not trusting first and what will help me trust better and then I have to voice it. Oh, how it challenges me with this friend because I get afraid that she will not stick to her end of the deal! It's silly, I know. My brain tells me it's silly, but my heart thinks otherwise, and so I have to plead with God to fight for me and give me a new way to cope, His way. Not my old ways.
He wants me to risk for love and friendship, I want to run. I want the comfort of my safe friends, He wants me to risk for others. I want the comfort of acceptance, He wants me to step out and walk like He does. Sometimes, I want to just be quiet and wait for it to feel safe, He wants me to speak for Him, take the risk, obey Him now.
Trust, trust, trust, this is what He is saying to me and I am stepping forward today. No, it is not easy for me at all. I'm crying about it actually, asking my friends to help me in many ways----HELP!!! I need help! I will keep stepping though because My Jesus has told me to, and I will obey.
Say That Again, Jesus, you have asked me to trust You, and to move forward in relationship to a deeper level and to trust. Okay.
I love you and your transparency! In many ways your trust in Jesus is bigger then your fears. That's encouraging.
ReplyDeleteThank you, friend!
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing and giving person, I would not be as far in relationship as I am if not for your encouragement. I am grateful to call you friend. Every time you feel that you can't give another part of yourself, remember as soon as you let it go the Lord will replace it with the love of a friend. I love you.
ReplyDeleteI love you too, Christina!
ReplyDelete