The Results

Anyone that reads this blog knows that sin has impacted my past in such a way that my path has certainly not been straight all of my life. The sin of my family, the sin of their family, and my very own sin. I have paid the consequences with darkness, confusion, lies, bitterness, resentment, many ways of the world. The Enemy has often had a grip on me, and He would like to have a grip on me now, His arrows are often ripping my way with fire on their wings. Thankfully, I am clothed in Jesus Christ, my saving Savior. He has dispelled the darkness, forgiven me, taken me out of the pit and given me a seat in the heavenlies.
Having said all of that I will confess that I am still triggered by events such as the ones I have recently described over the last couple of days. They greatly challenge me. My level of trust in Christ Body is challenged, and I am often thrown back to the church I grew up in. When that happens, I do not feel safe. I do not want to risk being with my church body, or speaking truth. I feel the same fear I felt as a child, and I want to run home.
I just did that very thing on Sunday, instead of going to church as I had planned, I ran home because I got afraid. It felt like I was back in the court room of my childhood and I knew I couldn't walk into my own church and face the jury. Even if the jury was perceived in my own mind it was still real enough to me, and I couldn't do it. All the stuff, the walk the process had taken me to a place in my childhood that I still need to resolve!
Nothing goes away until it is resolved, NOTHING! The judgments, the hypocrisies, the lies, they all exist in every church body. They existed in the church body that I grew up in, and I became a victim to them in a horrible way. Now, when I see anything that reminds me of those childhood days, my head screams RUN, run home where you will be safe! But, Jesus is saying "Bethany, I am your home! I am your safeguard and I go with you everywhere, so even in these situations I will keep you safe!" See? I know this, and sometimes I do it, I follow through with it, I trust Him and it works out great. Then, there's days like Sunday, and I run, praying as I'm hightailing it home. "Jesus, I can't, I can't, I can't!" It's true, I really can't, it is only through Him that I will have power and strength. And, I know that I will be faced with many more of these situations, because nothing goes away until it is resolved!
Jesus, Say that Again! You are my home, safety, my Lifeguard! Enable me to remember!