The Focus

I walked around a pond last night over and over again with a friend, and talked. We both talked. We spent a couple hours together reviewing more stuff in our relationship, more digging, more processing. We looked inside each others hearts. As I admitted more of my fears, and allowed myself to process them I was able to get in touch with why I have been so triggered this past year with certain people at church. Why church is not safe for me.
As a child, church was not a safe place. The talk did not match the walk. The people that preached up front, were often the people that were very offensive later. Now, as an adult, this past year, the church that I have loved has triggered me in some similar ways. And, I have been challenged to keep my focus on God and not on them. I have been challenged to live in grace and not in fear. I have been challenged to reconcile and not to run. I have been challenged to love.
This morning, again while praying God assured me that I am in His hands. He firmly said as He has for awhile now that I need to keep my focus on Him. I need to leave the court room, for I am not the judge or the jury, He is. I need to hear His word and only His, and give their words to Him. He has promised to hedge me in, to keep me captured in His Hands so that I can dance there, sing with joy there, love with abandonment there. and run with delight there. He is asking me to love ALL people, because I don't, because I am HIS precious child, His beloved child, because He gives me grace, so I will give grace. "Bethany, Speak truth, live truth, walk truth, and be a women of grace."
Say that Again, Jesus. I need you to give me the grace to give. I want it to ooze out of my pores and puddle to the floor, but it has to be all you, because I know I am not capable on my own! Say That Again, again, and again! And, I will focus on You!